How are you feeling

I am feeling depressed

Is there any reason for it

No, there is no reason for it. And having no reason is quite the reason, because other than having no reason to be depressed, I rather don’t see any reason to be happy or feel alive

Why do you think like that

Because, well, after a while of partying and compensating for love-depravity in any way possible and after having figured everything out and being at the point where everything is falling into place and I could feel happy, I just don’t

See

I have this own apartment and they are asking me why I am having it

And I think back to those lonely times in the community where everything I was longing for was silence and now I have it (within and surrounding me)

And everything that I am supposed to do right now is to just stand up and do

I just need to stand up and sort through everything and put it into one big context and one big art studio and exhibition

But I don’t know how and I am afraid of it and that makes me feel depressed

And I feel like I need to do more of what I love to feel better but I am afraid that it won’t make this go, so I journal and I talk to myself but I don’t do what I think I am supposed to do because it makes me anxious

I’d just love to do nothing

And that’s what I am doing and that makes me depressed

And then there’s also this seemingly wise voice that says that writing is one thing and publishing another, however, after posting and shutting down my computer there is still life and I cannot escape it

With every single thing I have lived in life and every action that I so enthusiastically looked forward to I feel like I lost appetite for it

I am walking through streets of Vienna and I want to feel my heart exploding and I want to feel calm and good and happy but I just don’t and that makes me feel frustrated even more

It’s like having a meal prepared by a five star cook standing in front of you, you eat it, but you don’t taste anything even though you know it should taste good

It’s like

Well it is like just living, enchantment lost, I feel like,

Lost energy, not even on dance floors I can find it, my limbs

are not moving me anymore

It feels like

A rainy day

A sad dog

A grey layer upon my world

Oh I don’t know

And professors write that narcissistic melancholia* covers happiness sometimes and that one should make space for a tiny bit of uncertainty because then we can act upon love and we will be surprised by wonders of it

And as much as I say that I should just do,

I do

I read a little bit, I eat a tiny bit, I sleep long and I dance and try to open my eyes and I try to work on my projects

But something is holding joy back from me, something is holding my feelings away from me

I dont feel, that’s the thing

Everything seems so trivial

I just don’t feel anything

(and I have his words in mind saying that I have too little to do, that’s why I feel like that, I think, and I search for things to do but I know it won’t make me feel more)

today was a day

today just feels like one big fact,

   like factual sentences,      

                   

I say that something is

                                             

 but I cannot name how.

I judge myself for not carrying enough about things that matter

I feel like I am so stuck in my head, that I don’t have any right to write about it anymore

It’s just that after six years I suppose that someday the me-parade should have ended, but it’s more and more and more

Wednesday, 15th January 2020