(It’s really hard to write.)
Few days ago I called a friend of mine and we stumbled over the thesis as to sacrifice oneself for love. He was reading one of Liv Strömquists graphic novels which was adressing love as a big topic. I would really like to explain more, but for now I haven’t read the book because, well, I can’t read swedish despite having lived there for six months and the book isn’t published in english yet. (Edit eight months later: I cannot really tell which book it is, as I didn’t ask back then. I assume that it’s ,,Fruit of Knowledge“, but it’s probably rather ,,Den rödaste rosen slår ut“. Last one is published in german but not in english yet. Actually it really makes me want to read it now, man.)
However, while talking about it on the phone I was immediately asking myself: ,,But how am I supposed to sacrifice myself for love and not lose myself in it?’’. Remembering some of my experiences with lovers, I’ve always fallen too quick, too hard and too intense and as soon as it was over I have always had to get myself back together and find myself again. I have sacrificed myself for love and it didn’t really work out.
So the conversation went on and we drifted apart, but the mere thought of sacrificing yourself for love and it being a virtue for someone got me thinking. Yet again, I have to repeat that I do not know which conclusion Liv Strömquist took, whether she reflected on self-love and time etc. or if she just said that you’d have to sacrifice yourself for love and make time for the person. (As far as I understand now, she wasn’t really critizicing self-love, as I back then interpreted it, but rather questions why people are so quick to change partners etc.) What I am going to write about right now therefore isn’t based on her book but on how I defined sacrificing myself for love in the past and how I have reflected on it.
Starting early and probably influenced by media and my parents story of how they met, I have believed in THE one and THE true love and THE ultimate feeling that you would feel for a person which would make everything possible and never ever tear you apart. I was dreaming of love: I wanted it, I didn’t get it, I didn’t give it to myself and I craved it a lot. This craving for love brought me into two occasions in my life where I just decided for myself that I wanted to be alone and give love to myself. Nevertheless right in those periods of time I suddenly met someone and was contemplating whether to start something with them or not. And what can I say? Being guided by my craving for love and the idea that this person could be the one, I sacrificed my initial idea of being alone for the sake of love. And thinking back right now I cannot judge myself for choosing that way, because I always choose love. I always wanted to be loved and I always believed in love. (Just like Britney Spears sings ‚, My loneliness is killing me (and I)/ I must confess I still believe‘’). Well. And whenever someone came by I believed in love and chose the person, basically grabbing every little opportunity that was thrown into my way.
See, the thing with my sacrifices were that it never worked out. I was just going through all the poetry that I wrote in the last two years and things repeated itself. It was scary. It was as if life was telling me: ,,Evi. You haven’t learned anything. You think that you did but you didn’t. So I’m gonna give you the same lesson to learn again and again until you realize!’’ Haha. And one could debate right now if it’s life telling me anything or if I was simply too immature to listen to myself and understand that craving for love is a weak as base for a relationship and selfish.
But, to come back to the initial thing why I don’t sacrifice myself for love is because by choosing to love someone it does not automatically mean that you choose long-lasting love.
Choosing to love someone means to invest in the person, to make time and space and to care. Choosing to love someone means to pour love into someone whom you would really, really, really want to know. And how could I have done that if so far I haven’t yet made time and space for myself? Invested in myself and took time to understand where my cravings, ideals, values and feelings were coming from? How could’ve I build a solid and healthy relationship if I didn’t know how to deal with myself? I simply didn’t know how I function and I needed to figure it out.
Why did I put myself aside so cruelfully not understanding that I couldn’t have given enough commitment for the other person but rather fill a void within myself with them? Probably this is what all bloggers, youtubers and healers mean by telling us to ,,first love yourself and then love someone else’’.
I never understood that. I never understood that when I choose my partners I didn’t care for them but only wanted them to care for me. There was even a time in Sweden where I asked myself how long I can go on with my path of self-love if I don’t know if it’s ever going to end? And for real now, we never know if one day we will be ready for a partner one hundred percent. Can I be ready for a partner one hundred percent? Is there even a time when I am going to say to myself: ,, Now I am ready to love. Now I have space for someone. Now I choose you.’’
I cannot answer this question right now but by thinking back to all the times I have chosen to love someone instead of giving myself time, I don’t know if it’s such an intelligent idea.
I think it’s time to be true to myself and say that I am not ready. I am not ready for a partner. I simply don’t have space for a partner in my life, I am taking up too much space for myself?!
I think it’s time to, for once, not sacrifice myself for someone else. I think it’s time to give time to myself and realize what I want.
I think it’s time to express myself and to think, because I think a lot.
And in the end I truly believe that when I have given myself the attention and love that I crave I will automatically give enough space for someone to come. It will automatically balance the love out that I give to myself and to my partner, without loosing myself in it. It will automatically make me be more interested in the other person than me wanting to present myself and be cared for.
If sacrificing myself for someone does not work out, what do I have to lose by not sacrificing myself?
Truly, what do I have to lose by choosing myself?
And like my friend Gala says: If you would be really being you, who would you choose to be?
I guess, to be me.
And for whoever might come after my soul has made space: I am awaiting you with arms spread wide like
Thursday, 12th September 2019
Edit eight months later
So, the thing with what I wrote back then is that it actually worked out. It’s funny because back then I felt like I didn’t even fully know what loving means. I mean. Somehow and somewhere along the line I lost this weird ass craving for someone to be in my life and a chilled desired for someone to just simply to be next to me took that place.
Actually it’s really mesmerizing to see how one can change in eight months, haha, damn. That’s really fun to realize right now.
HOWEVER! Doesn’t mean that I didn’t make mistakes until now again. But that’s a different article and another story. Until then you can read my website-story ,,In Loveland“ dealing with me losing faith in society at a young age and learning what it means to love and get to know people.
9th May 2020