Aaaay peeps, people, lovers, loves, whoever might read this, get ready for some twisted coping mechanisms that my brain came up with in love.
What I am going to write about right now is in no way a self-accusation of having done things wrong in my life. Neither is it some sort of explanation of how I dealt with my issues and how I think I am going to solve them. It is a depiction of how I made decisions in love to not be hurt afterwards, so I invite you to read this as neutral as I try to write it down right now.
I have lived in a spiritual community called Ängsbacka for six months, doing a European Solidarity Corps project. While living in this community which was specialized on self-growth and reflection, I have self-grown and reflected alot. At one certain point I realized that I subconsciously didn’t like my looks, that’s why I’d change them all the time. At another point I had a session with a lovely healer and she made me realize that all that I ever longed for as a child is to be loved.
And going on and on with reflection and self-love, at one point I realized that I was afraid of male rejection and of being abandoned by them.
It’s a tough one and realizing this made me question how I am supposed to deal with it and I am even now wondering if it’s possible to overcome issues like that (probably with therapy etc. but I think writing is some sort of therapy too.)
There are various reasons why I am so deep down afraid of being left alone. One thing that I am sure of is that my mum traumatized me when she was putting me down to sleep and I told her to stay with me, just to wake up in the middle of the night, realizing that she went away. And I guess it’s a typical thing that children have to learn. In the end, we can’t sleep in our parents bed until we’re thirty, can we? But it put me in such a shook situation that I started crying, bursting into tears. I just didn’t tell my parents. I stayed in bed, crying, but still fighting this overwhelming feeling of loneliness, as a four year old child.
Having in mind that I did it all subconsciously I realized that I also subconsciously went on like that in my kid stage and teens.
I always struggled with love alot. As soon as I’d sense a feeling of affection or love to someone I would immediately be afraid of losing them. I would have scenarios in my head or various reasons why I wouldn’t be enough and why they would leave me. And it stuck up in my head too deeply, that if they went away and split paths (as it happens in life, we can’t avoid it), I was deeply hurt.
I would go back to myself and build up my ego, telling myself that, well, if they choose to abandon me, then they probably didn’t see my real potential. Then they would have lost me and I am a fucking gem. And we all are! We all are gems and perfect and lovable, we are people and everyone is amazing on their own fricking way, haha. But all it did was leave me bitter and in agony.
So I started to think differently. Whenever I would find someone whom I really, really liked I would prepare myself for the loss. I would tell myself to not cling as much as I naturally would want to do, because I have so much love for that person in me. I would suppress my feelings in fear of showing them too much and therefore lose that person.
It’s a terrible feeling. I always described it was ,,a storm inside of me being held back’’. Because that’s was it is.
There is so much love rushing in me, I feel like it would burst. And isn’t love an amazing feeling?
However. Guided by fear of losing this significant person I would step away and let the person decide for themselves if they would want to stay with me or not. I could wait days, weeks, months observing their behavior, looking for signs which would show if the person loved me or not. As I am writing this right now I actually realize how much pain I made myself feel in those times when it’s not clear where its headed.
Because, I guess, that’s the thing with dating. We never know where it’s going to lead, there are so many possibilities. The person could ideally fall for you and stay with you forever. The person could fall for another person. The person could not have time for you. The person could love you but not be able to tell you.
I mean. I’ve read a comment once where a guy said that in the beginning phase of getting to know a person things aren’t hard. Everything seems to be easy: you see a person, you start dating, you get together, you marry- and work hard on the relationship.
But somehow I never had it that easy. Somehow either the person didn’t stay or fell for another one.
And I wondered: why?
If all that I do for you is waiting for a clear sign that you choose me, why wouldn’t you choose me?
Stepping back from that, I analyzed what I actually did. I saw that with my fear of being abandoned by the person I tested them. Let them choose. Let them make steps. Clinged and stayed until eventually I couldn’t wait any longer and I would just give up, go and be hurt. Nevertheless, wounds would still be there and I would ask myself every single time why that person didn’t stay?
The problem in all of this though is not that the person went away. Life is life, dating is dating and we can never predict if it leads to something or not. The problem is that while I was awaiting the person’s decision, I already distanced myself and didn’t communicate my fears. I think, if I had accepted my issues and communicated them clearly right from the beginning things would be easier for me and for the person that I am dating.
Because it is twisted: I like someone and I am afraid of losing them, I distance myself, try not to cling too much and make myself ready to be left and when the person actually leaves I am hurt.
If everything that I want is that person, why don’t I show it? Why am I afraid of expressing my emotions?
I have realized and laughed about it because it’s funny what solutions a brain can come up with, just to cope with fears. And I guess it was also a consequence of high expectations, overthinking and self-consciousness. But I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t thinking about it and trying to heal my behavior.
I wouldn’t be me without my fears and this is what I have to accept.
I am accepting my flaws and I am ready to express them the next time.
Thursday, 12th September 2019