questioning life

,,It is funny though that this got me so deep, if my motto since I was fourteen was ’’love life’’, as if I haven’t already then realized that within all this madness of studying, loving, creating and questioning, everything that we have to do is to love life somehow, very raw, with every aspect of it, even if it does not make any sense, at least not to me.’’

Lately I am stuck in an existential crisis which I haven’t had for a long time. There have been times in Ängsbacka where I realized a lot about myself and therefore started questioned my behavior. These where times when I realized that I was mainly guided my loneliness and that the only thing in life that I wanted to have is a boyfriend, very badly. (Which made me to do a lot of things, yet to sleep with quite a bunch of guys to get a bit of human intimacy).

I wasn’t drinking alcohol for six months, didn’t smoke, I have been totally clean, which for many people is already a step further towards being in touch with oneself. I was missing one subtle thing though to really, REALLY get in touch with myself, which was being alone.

Weeks passed, I was going through hell when I was searching for an apartment in Vienna, I was in love and things didn’t go out in the way that I thought they would, but eventually I found an apartment, moved here and got over the guy that I liked.

I am studying theatre, movie and media sciences. Which means that I won’t be an actress or a director or a publisher. I am basically studying what the function of media is, what theatre has to be like to be accepted as theatre and how compositions/stagings influence the overall message of the movie.

Once I was walking around in my apartment and a thought considering my studies slipped into my brain so that I was convinced that this study doesn’t make much sense: it’s not like I’d save lives with it. I won’t send out any message, I am not creating anything with the knowledge that I get from these studies (at least not yet). And I guess this questioning of my choice to study this subject plus a disappointing action from a ONS made me fall into a weird ass spiral of questioning everything that I have done in my life so far and what I even want from life.

Basically, to make it short about the guy: I was partying in a nice techno club, saw a him, thought that he’s cute and hot, took him over to my apartment, slept with him, had a tiny crush on him, exchanged numbers because he actually asked me for it and thought he’s going to text me, which he didn’t do. It’s not a big of a deal reading this, I guess, it’s even a typical (how we call it in Germany) ‚‘’Bettgeschichte’’= literally ‚‘’bed-story’’. A one night stand etc. 

It hurt me though because right in the moment when things were going down, and even before all that, I told myself that I won’t pressure any contact with guys that I sleep with because I experienced objectification a lot afterwards and I wasn’t ready yet to deal with that healthily. However, I kind of broke my own rules and I think life brought me back to my first mindset, haha. Right as I type these words down, I just laugh and think that it makes perfectly sense now, because, basically, I have decided that I want to be completely alone for a while, but then I find some dude somewhere and forget every decision that I made in the past. Nevertheless, the mistake does not only lay within me though, as I feel like mistrusting any guy that I’d sleep with would only hurt me more and make me bitter.

Yeah, it really broke my heart though, it’s quite embarrassing to write about it, because, well, it’s just a one night stand and probably I should not take it that personal, as he if just a person who didn’t reach out but asked for my number. But I am emotionally very sensitive: when I get intimate with someone I don’t just fuck but I try to make it enjoyable for the other and for me, that’s why, when the person just leaves without a word, I feel disrespected and dehumanized. Even in this case, I didn’t really have a chance to decide if I wanted to see this guy afterwards or not, because he just went away and took my right to choose.

This encounter made me question what I want from guys. I realized in that moment that I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything. So I stopped texting with the other guy that I knew from tinder, I deleted tinder, and I stopped texting another guy. I’ve been brutally honest, telling them, that as long as I don’t know anything about myself, I cannot give them what they need. No one should be together with someone just to fill a void and everyone deserves someone who can give and take balanced. I knew that at least that I couldn’t give to any of them and I knew that for me they couldn’t give anything because I didn’t know what I want, yet alone, what I needed.

So, I’ve been alone since then and I don’t lie if I say that things are going crazy in my head right now. Things are chaotic, things don’t make sense, I am an emotional mess, I sleep up till eleven hours, I cannot concentrate for university (in fact I should be studying right now, but it’s important, I need to vent).

So lately I felt completely out of control of my own life. I have been judging myself a lot for not studying enough and sleeping too late and I am totally broke. If someone would ask me right now what’s going on with me I’d say
“everything and nothing’’ at once. To cope with this, I studied more in the beginning of the week, basically sitting from 4pm until 12pm at my desk, monday and tuesday. Working the whole day on wednesday, going to university on thursday (overslept the morning lecture though) and partying on thursday AND friday, with nothing to party for. 

Understand me, whoever is reading this, I don’t try to show how miserable of a life I have right now, I am trying to show how my inner world is depicted in my behavior and actions. And because there is a mess in my head, there is a total mess in my life and actions too.

On thursday evening I sat in the cafeteria in the highest level of the building, reading an article that I needed to read for uni. While I was sitting there though, I felt my thoughts drifting off so I started writing, asking myself, if there is death at the end of each lives, what do we live for? I was thinking about the fact that we either way die one day and humanity will be gone some day too, so everything that we do right now or will ever do, only makes sense in times of humanity: when we’re gone, everything is gone. Our desires, beliefs, any kind of social constructs, maltreatment, misbehavior etc. It baffled me. The irrelevance of my own existence scared me. It scared me so much that I was quite depressed that day, wondering, if I die either way, what to live for then? When I danced on thursday night, seeing all these beautiful 2019 hipsters in their beautiful clothing, shaking their bodies to bad techno music, I wondered: what do we stand for? 

We dance and we party, we study and we love, cook, walk, poop, puke, what for?

I am telling this from a rational perspective and want to put an emphasis on sensitive content here right now, because what I am about to write down can trigger a lot:
If we are born arbitrary because our parents slept together, if life is a gift/miracle and if we assume that there is no fixed meaning to our lives and if we also take in consideration, that, one day, either way, we will die and humanity will be gone too, why do we life? 
If it’s like that, that in the bigger picture, my life does not have any meaning, why live?

See.

I don’t want to kill myself. (Because I am too scared and because, still, there is a will to live inside me that stops me from doing it). 
And typing this right now scares me, because I am afraid of (edit now) me being suicidal on a rational level.
(written then: people thinking that I am suicidal, which I am not and of people judging me about the depth of my thinking.)

I have never gone thus far as to question my life, it shocked and opened my eyes at the same time. Once I read something somewhere that said something like remembering our own mortality humbles us in a great way. Well, I am humbled.
I am also always shocked by the effect of going through something versus hearing about something. It’s one thing to read about our own mortality, we hear it almost every day. It’s also one thing about hearing someone tell that they lost control over their lives because depression hit very hard and deep. It’s also a challenge right now for me to use the word depression because I haven’t been to any expert who clearly said that I have clinical depression, but for what I experienced, I will label it as depression for myself.
Yeah, it’s one thing to hear all of this but it’s another thing to go through and feel it. I am always shocked by the intensity of it.

Mhhm, I don’t know if it’s scorpio season/ retrograde making me feel and question all of this, haha, but taking my encounter with the guy and me questioning existence in consideration, I can sure as hell say, that what I am experiencing right now is a total shift of values, life force and beliefs.
This is a very and only personal article right now, everything I am writing now is about me, but just about an hour from now I realized that I am searching for something in my life, as if I stepped into total darkness, tapping around and searching for a door handle to get me out of it.

If, what kept me going in the past (I confess) was to play with men and feel this high sensation of being totally intimate and raw with someone, I don’t think that this is what is keeping me going anymore. Because this high is temporary, as beautiful as it is to feel this deep connection for a person, fast, in one night, in the longer run, it does not make me happy. I don’t know what makes me happy. 

I came to the conclusion, that, if life in the bigger picture does not make sense, I have to find sense for myself to keep living a joyful life. That’s what everyone does. That’s why we hear a lot that new born babies give meaning to mothers and fathers. 

I just wonder now what keeps me going and what meaning will I give to my life?

10th November 2020

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edit now: of voices and of being heard

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This is an audio that I recorded on tuesday, the 16th of June when I came home after getting a spiral.
I am sharing this right now because I sense that the numbness and question-spiral in November is to be led back to rejection and somewhat the overall feeling of uncertainty that followed because that boy who didn’t text me. And this emotional breakdown was hella ground-breaking it was amazing.

I always know that there is two sides to a story. Back then I explained his behavior as of him straight up not wanting to text me with him not being interested or losing my number in a mysterious way. But (and this is essential!) I felt used. Going even further: I felt disrespected, devalidated and not worthy.
Plus, if one is treated like that for unexplainable reasons for a various amount of time, one starts subconsciously believing the unworthiness of oneself. Mhm.

Looking back at those times, what I was actually missing was rational understanding of the fact that not everyone can be nice and human. I was missing a healthy ego that would deal with rejection (I was questioning ego generally back then, trying to spread as much love as possible because I felt like everyone needed it but I was stomped over), I didn’t give my feelings enough validation to blame him for what he did: first of all it hit so deep because I could not assert myself, second of all I couldn’t make up if this was yet another case of a man using a woman for sex or if, third, it was my naive self being shocked by insensitive behaviour as I, back then, really thought everyone would be aware of themselves and would genuinely choose sincere and communicative behaviour over evilness and ignorance.

Feelings are irrational. The fundaments they stand on can be based on intuition or good understanding of the other person’s actions. I never let myself cry and burst out in tears because I did not know if what I thought that made me sad, was legit.

But now I come to the understanding that I have to respect emotions. I should have been angry at the guy in November who didn’t text me but asked for my number, because you don’t do that out of politeness. If you have balls, you straight up say what you want. And if it is the case of exchanging numbers, no dating but casual fucking, you have to see and agree or not.

I came to the understanding that, for oneself, one should let those emotions out and make them legit, vent for oneself. That disappointment back then made me fall into depression because I didn’t accept the way he acted, trying to understand him so hardly, based on my perception and decision-making in life, I really started questioning myself.
It frustrated me.

To be honest, people still frustrate me. People make me fucking sad. People make me depressed because I feel like so many people are fucking unaware of the impact of their own actions and issues.
There is nothing that you take more responsibility for than yourself and your own actions.
To be even more honest, sometimes I don’t even know if my actions are legit all the time, I at least try to be aware of my problems.
I am frustrated, as same as black people are frustrated when I comes to white people being stupid collectively and I am ashamed of that, trying to make white people listen more.
I am frustrated, standing up for all women in the world who are neglected in a conversation, who date men calling themselves feminists, not acting any different and I am frustrated as to say that I have trust issues because of that right now.
I am frustrated, because yesterday at a party I saw so many bomb-ass women and the only way to assert oneself these days is to be loud and to fight. Loud and fight and claim space that isn’t given to you. I am frustrated for Mikey, a friend of mine, who was talking about racism with me at the balcony, completely shook about the level of ignorance his white friends had when they where sharing something in their stories using the n-word and I was even more frustrated with, first, the girl who said that she doesn’t care because she is strong enough to ignore it and, second, those two guys who started to brag about how they are also victims of racism because they have eastern roots. Legit? Yes. They were just missing a sense of empathy.

I am frustrated. What I trying not to do, is victimizing myself and getting bitter over that, knowing that it is dangerous and contraproductive. I think of all the POC in the past who fought for their rights even without being heard. I think of women on the streets and workers fighting for their rights. And because of that, I think that it is very legit to share an audio of me bursting out because, for once, I validated my frustrations to feel better emotionally afterwards. I needed to get a spiral and I was thinking of all the men before, laying in my bed at night therapying themselves, making their emotions legit, sharing the feelings of the heavy burderns that they bear.

We all carry heavy burdens. Some are just luckily stronger and done with victimizing themselves/ being victimized. Some just burst and then cry and fight together in camaraderie.
We must need to get stronger together.

21st June 2020

my mental health 

he asked „are you also going to therapy?“ as if he knew that this is what I would need truthfully.  
but no, I do not go, for I thought you would save me from all my cruelest me? 

but now I am alone and I really force myself to be on my own, whilst my brain is shouting:

“SEARCH FOR SALVATION IN MEN, 
SEARCH FOR ATTENTION, 
IT WILL ALL GO AWAY, 
ALL GO AWAY WILL IT BY THEN.“

But no, 
it does not go away. 
Thoughts don’t go away, even worse, they don’t move. They move around and they stay. 

And every day could not be worse, I can say. 
everyday my thoughts keep trembling- haunted by fears about future. Loneliness, anxiety and me is what blurrs my reality. 
We are a perfect trilogy. 
Match made in heaven, but please don’t ignite it, my brain will burn hotter than hell. 
it’s already hot outside. 

my mental health is not the most stable one 
my mental health is not the most stable one. 
I am afraid of future and of taking all the responsibility up on my own shoulders (as if there wouldn’t be enough baggage to carry around).

As of, boys and men. 

Everything seems to evolve around boys and men and how I am perceived. 
How great of an actor I am, I am evolving and generalizing, analyzing people bis ins kleinste Detail. 
And I understand a lot and I understand nothing at the same time, I travelled around the world just to understand that everything at home is spinning with the same time and nothing changes. 
And I am struggling with their behavior, I am struggling with the issues that they are not even aware of themselves, I am struggling, because the hatred they have towards themselves is sharpened and pointed against me, they don’t even know how to filter, how to not drag it into speeches emotionally! 

I suffer (for them)!

I love myself and I question myself at the same damn time. 
I am lonely. And I am whole, at the same damned time. 
And I am so bored and excited, all that in one, I don’t know what to do, how to make it undone. 

I am carrying bagages with me, I am thinking too much about men and to little about things that really matter. 
Like climate change, or society. Or health or problems of wealth and capitalism and all of this outside shelf! 
I am carrying these damned baggages with me, hoping to one day find one to carry them with me and maybe then we will even be dragged down together and suffer whilst doing all and totally nothing, very actively. 

But no.
I am doing it on my own, I am getting rid of these baggages, they are of no use now for me. 

Alle anständigen Seelen haben sich schon aus dem Spiel verabschiedet, aber mir tut es noch weh. 
Ich gehe bald, bald werde ich gehen.

22.09. 19 02:18